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Short Twitch

Discussion in 'Feedback' started by Adrian James Moroney, Apr 13, 2017.

  1. Adrian James Moroney

    Adrian James Moroney Screenwriter

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    Logline: Ryan wants nothing more than to be in a relationship, but commitment drives Ryan crazy.

    Any feedback is helpful. Thanks!
     

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  2. KarenShoe

    KarenShoe Screenwriter

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    Adrian,
    Good job on the short. I usually read features, but I will try and offer some general feedback.

    I like the opening with the changing pov. Are the quotes meant to appear on screen over black? If so, I'd include that formatting. The quotes do add to the story, so I say include them.
    The first paragraph introduces Ryan, but the middle sentence describes the setting. I recommend that you describe the setting, then concentrate on character introduction. Ryan's intro will be stronger that way.
    There's another incident where you introduces character and stick scene description in the middle, but I can't find it.
    When you intro Ryan, Jack, Jill, Mindy, The Stranger, etc. it should be all caps for initial intro. Also, there's an extra "is" on The Stranger intro and wording is awkward on Mindy intro with the addition of the camera pan.
    Another note in a similar vein is not to refer to Ryan over and over when he is the only one in the scene. Use the "he" pronoun in the next sentence, and combine actions when appropriate. This can help to speed the read, although it's a pretty good read already.
    I like the visuals throughout the script, and the characters were developed enough to seem realistic.
    Page 25 - I've think s/b "I think".
    There's no we could s/b "There's no way we could"
    As far as the killing of Jill, it was a little rushed at the end. But with a short, there's not much time to develop that all the way.
    Overall, I enjoyed the story. These are just small nitpickings I mention for future reference.
     
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2017
    Adrian James Moroney and max like this.
  3. Adrian James Moroney

    Adrian James Moroney Screenwriter

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    Thank you so much this is very helpful. Glad you liked it.
     
    KarenShoe likes this.
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